I spent the morning walking one of the city’s mega-malls recently trying to catch up on some Christmas shopping.   There was lots of seasonal eye candy.  And yet, by noon I found myself feeling isolated and low.

It dawned on me that amid the people and things and bustle, I was merely one more anonymous shopper with bad hair and a clueless look.    Far from the festive pictures we see in ads, no-one was skipping from store to store joyfully plunking down money for the perfect gift.  In fact, there was a general air of solitude and quiet – even in the busiest stores. 

So what’s with that?

Everywhere we go, we’re inundated by stories of how the holidays should be: colour-coordinated, romantic, filled with good cheer, good food, good smells, good presents, good will and good fun.  It’s hard not to want to be a leading character in the Christmas cards that start to arrive at this time of year.

Implicit in the world around us is the message that most people have their act together and can create the kind of magical holiday we see splashed in front of us.  Every picture, every ad, every store tells us a story of how the holidays should be.  Faced with our own reality of imperfection and struggle – divorce, illness, economic situation, family dynamics – we’re often left feeling frustrated and depressed when our real lives don’t measure up to the stories around us.

Personally I often find myself quite literally buying into some of these stories.  Today for instance I stood contemplating spending $32 on peppermint bark until I realized the absolute absurdity of it.  Astronomical price aside, with my daughter out of town and the household now consisting of me and two aging cats, a box of peppermint bark will be consumed by only one person: me.  Likely in front of the TV!    Health and body-wise, the last thing I need to eat is a box of edible sugar and oil.

So what was I thinking?

It didn’t have much to do with peppermint bark at all – enclosed in that festive tin was a story about people cutting their own Christmas tree, stringing it with handmade popcorn garland, tobogganing down pearly white hills and laughingly tossing gloves, coats, mitts and hats aside to consume hot chocolate and peppermint bark by the fire.  I wanted to have homemade popcorn garlands! I wanted to go tobogganing! I wanted to toss my mitts and coat in a pile and drink hot chocolate by the fire! And for a few glorious and entirely delusional moments, $32 peppermint bark was going to give me just that – even if I don’t own a toboggan, I live in a second floor walk-up apartment downtown and , furthermore, the closest thing to a fireplace around here is two beeswax candles and a box of matches.

As human beings we are outstanding storytellers.  And certain times of year – like the holidays – are ripe for our best stories.  We tell them to ourselves and to each other, and stores and advertisers know all about this and build their sales strategy around it.  To be clear here, I’m not ascribing blame, just pointing out that we’re surrounded by stories of what an ideal world should look like. 

Even more insidious though, are the stories we tell ourselves.  These are the stories that inevitably and almost invariably tell us how things – and we – ought to be.  They scan our current reality and tell us what’s missing in us, in others, in the life we’ve created for ourselves.  Most of the time we can manage these stories.  Held up against those of good will and good cheer that inundate us at this time of the year, the gap between them and our own reality often becomes unbearable.  It’s no surprise that the holidays see spikes in depression, anxiety and stress as we struggle to make our lives conform to increasingly unattainable ideals.

If this is our natural state of being, is there any hope for us?  Is it possible to have a truly happy holiday in spite of the rampant imperfections in our life?  The answer is yes.  And salvation may start in exactly where the problem is: our own stories.  Here are some steps to help deal with seasonal blues.

Our first task is to think about what it is we want. That is, what we really, truly want.  It helps here to start with our ideal story.  For example, my story starts with a big Christmas morning surrounded by laughing family.  The reality, of course, is that my daughter will be with her father that morning and I will be home alone.  Instead of telling myself how much of a failure I am or sobbing about how it should be different, I can get curious.

That’s step two in the process: once we’ve identified our ideal story we then move to a series of questions: what is it about having people around Christmas morning that’s really important to me?  The answer is celebration.  Next part of the exercise; probe a little more: and what’s important about celebration?  The answer is for me, celebration is about really enjoying and appreciating life.  Now we’re getting to the core of what I really, really want.   Just keep asking the question ‘what’s important about that’ until it feels as though you’ve hit solid ground.  Remember, it’s not about judging what you hear, it’s just about learning what’s important.

Once we’ve got to the core of what we really want, then we can start to brainstorm ways to get it within our current reality.

So, back to my example: given my situation, what is it I can put into place that will enable me to enjoy and appreciate life Christmas morning?  Clearly family members are not going to come over for breakfast.  So what are some other options?    I could make myself some Christmas tea and take it back to bed; I could walk to a local church and attend a service ; I could play carols and snuggle up to a good book after a delicious breakfast; I could volunteer somewhere… The big difference is now I know what I’m after in these experiences.

When it comes to brainstorming new ideas, challenge yourself to come up with at least four.  Ask friends for their ideas (note: ideas, not advice!).

Martin Seligman who founded the Positive Psychology movement has done extensive research over the last 40 years on happiness.  One of the key factors in being happy is our level of gratitude for what we actually have.  Yes, this does sound like something your great-grandmother would have said over tea.  Her folk wisdom is now backed up by solid scientific research.  So here’s one final exercise based on gratitude to help grow that happiness muscle.  It comes courtesy of Adler International Learning.  Sit down and think of three things for which you are truly grateful today.  Write them down.  Now write down how you contributed to making them happen.   What does that feel like?

Finally, when we surround ourselves by people who support our goal to find ways to create a meaningful and happy holiday experience based on where we are, our chances of attaining that goal rise dramatically.  Who in your life can partner with you?  It may not be everyone in your life, but even one person can be a monumental support.

Elizabeth Lancaster is a certified professional coach who works with individuals and teams to help them turn their dreams into action.  She is a faculty member at Adler International Learning, an international coaching and communication school based in Toronto and Director of Context Management Consulting.  www.contextconsulting.com

elizabeth.lancaster@contextconsulting.com

I’m sure that you’ll forgive me if I don’t enthuse, I guess I’ve got the Christmas blues

- Dean Martin